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Friday, July 27, 2007

what I have deduced...

So I wanted to really get down to the bottom of what it was that was contributing to my previous dank mood. I am usually so happy and I can turn any bad situation into an adventure, so I was at a loss to be able to explain what was causing this. I also had a hard time understanding why it was so longstanding. I had been feeling like this for months.
Well, it finally came to a head last Sunday. I was forced to really stand back and look at all my faults (we even dragged out a few of Edgard's for good measure) and I really analyzed what had caused all those heavy months.

In a nutshell:

*I need to lose weight
I know this little revelation comes as a shock to everyone.
Here is a little story for you all. Last summer I decided to lose weight. I started out at 191.5 lbs. I went to a weight loss clinic where they give you a well balanced diet plan and counseling. They gave me a plan that consisted of 1000 calories ( yeah, I know, don't say it). I did well for one month.... absolutely no cheating. I lost a lot of weight as was expected with such a calorie deficit. The second month was good with a steady weight loss. It was probably a better month considering I was sneaking enough food in to make my daily equivalent about 1400 calories a day. Much healthier for me and with a nice gradual weight loss. I started donating my "fat" clothes (I would never need those again) and buying "skinny" clothes---but not too many, I would be getting even more slender, after all---right? The lowest I hit, weight-wise was 159.
When the scale read that number I was so excited.
One fleeting day.
It was around this time that my subscription, you could call it, to the weight loss center was up. I crumpled. With no outside support the weight started creeping back up...I slowly started putting away my skinny clothes and repurchasing "fat" ones. What a defeat. I felt so frustrated with myself.

*We need to get a handle on our finances.
We are a one income family that likes to spend money that doesn't exist. This is a hard one for me to admit. I think because it is something that can be hidden. Not like a weight problem that is just out there for everyone to see. There are a lot of people who have a problem with money. Then, there are some who do not. I hope that if you fall into the latter category, that you can recognize that, at this moment I don't need to be judged. I need understanding. I feel ashamed. Enough said.

*My home is too cluttered.
This one is really representing a few things, such as not going to bed at a respectable time (I rarely get to bed before 2:00am).
I also want to get up earlier .....gee, wonder why I can't do that one. My kids, bless their hibernating
little hearts, sleep until 9:00, but I would like to get up before them and have some time to myself.
Also, I am a person that thrives on organization and cleanliness who doesn't like to pick up after herself. Square that one, if you can. I can't.

*I have not been studying my Bible.
I really feel that this is the most important matter. This is the tie that binds. The others are symptoms of a bigger problem---not the problem itself. I have just let everything else go.

I am, with
some a lot of prayer, conscious efforts to quell extreme bouts of laziness, mixed in with a first attempt and many reattempts and a wonderfully optimistic attitude, going to gain control of these issues.

So here I am ...sending back out some of the love that was sent to me in my trying time, asking for a just a little more hope and help. Thankfully, though, from a much better frame of mind.


  1. IT JUST LOST MY BIG OLD COMMENT! I'll try again later...grrrr.

  2. I continue to be inspired by your honesty. I think that everyone has felt the same way from time to time.. I know I have. It is hard because you look at your blessed life and think.. I am seriously blessed, but our minds seem to focus on the parts that aren't so shiny. I am sorry that you have been down, and applaud your tenascious spirit! May tomorrow be a brighter day for you!

  3. sweetie, you can do this...and you WILL. all of your goals are attainable with time (i nodded so hard at the Finance one i nearly snapped my neck!). the support from onliners is really key to a lot of people's success. i tell you, without you guys weighing in on my insanity (check out the embarrassing) i would have quit long ago. but i havent and i wont.....because of YOU GUYS.

    keep praying, God is there waiting for you to turn to Him. we can not do it without Him. He doles out the strength so we can make it.


  4. I am sending lots of Fuerza your way (btw, do you speak Spanish?)...

    I really feel for you and what you're going through. I struggle with a lot of the same problems. Weight is, and probably always will be a mental battle for me. I'm the same way, I need a support system in place and its so hard when its not there!

    The money thing too, it's so hard in this day and age not to overspend. No matter how much you make it never seems like enough :(

    We're still in debt from our wedding 6 months ago. There, I said it. if you can be brave and admit your faults so can I. We have massive credit card debt from our wedding.

    keep on keeping on, things will start to turn around...


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